I Am Tired Of My Husband Earning a Living!

Published on August 25, 2005 By greywar In Current Events

[sarcasm] I mean really he works 12 hours a day (and never the same 12) and then he insists that I manage to keep on top of the bills somehwere in my 12 hour a day at home schedule! What does he expect of me? I mean I spend 3 hours a day on houseworks at least! SO what if eh does the dishes after I spend an hour a day cooking for him? Thats still 4 hours of solid work out of the 12 he is away from home! That bastard!

How dare he earn a living! Fuck him and his "military life"! I deserve better!

[/sarcasm]

Comments (Page 4)

Dr Guy

on Aug 25, 2005

Reply By: LocamamaPosted: Thursday, August 25, 2005
Okay - I am sick of him being a total dick.

Perhaps it is time to tell him, and not Greywar. I do understand much more than you realize. But GW is not the problem or the instigator.

I wish you the best.

Texas Wahine

on Aug 25, 2005

There's a distinction here that I haven't been able to articulate. I'm not saying that command is responsible for the actions of the Soldier.

What I'm saying is that what went on in my husband's (and numerous others) company was wrong and inappropriate. I'm saying that the leadership is culpable for their role in it. Not for the actions of the Soldiers, but for their own actions.

The leadership IS responsible for their Soldiers' well being in as much as they can impact it. They cannot control the choices that their Soldiers make, but they are responsible for doing everything they can to guide their Soldiers and help them make good choices. It is this way by design.

I'm not saying, "it's their fault my husband did this". They are responsible for their actions, which influenced his actions. He made a choice. They placed the choice in front of him. They are responsible for creating the choice for him because it was a choice that was not appropriate and should not have existed. They are guilty for their part in it, not for his actions.

When a bar sees that a patron is drunk, and they continue to serve him alcohol knowing that he plans to drive home, they are responsible for the wrong of continuing to serve him. If he does drive and gets in an accident and kills some one, it's his fault, and he will be the one serving the time. His choice to drive is completely on him. The bar's continuing to serve him alcohol is on them.

This is true, even when the bar is not responsible for the patron on the level that a Soldier's command is responsible for him.

There's a nuance here that I'm having difficulty expressing.

PS - Your little jabs at my husband are not necessary. These are my thoughts, not his. He takes full responsibility for his actions. He is not a "retard" or a "child". He is a very good husband and a beautiful human being. He makes SGT on the first, and his is committed to being an exemplary NCO and providing his Soldiers with the excellent leadership that he was denied.

dharmagrl

on Aug 25, 2005

I am not sitting on my ass watching soaps, knitting scarves and eating bon bons.

If that was meant for me...well, don't. Don't go any further. I can walk away from a lot of stuff, so let it go now.

I'm not going to get into a pissing contest over this, but I will tell you that i have more years of military spousehip under my belt than you do, and that your attitude is one a see a lot amongst younger wives.

dharmagrl

on Aug 25, 2005

I just said that the separations make the hard work of making a marriage and life even harder.

You also said that his command sucks and that he was going to be there for another year and a half. That, to me, smacks of blaming the military.

There are always going to be sucky commands, sucky deployments, sucky bosses and sucky jobs. Get used to it. If you can't get used to it, get out. This can be a hard life and with things being what they are globally, it's not going to get any easier. It's not for eveyone....and from what you've said, I don't think that it's for you.

greywar

on Aug 25, 2005

What I'm saying is that what went on in my husband's (and numerous others) company was wrong and inappropriate.

Sure it is, but it is in no way an excuse, a mitigating facotr, or a lessening of responsibility for anyone under their command.

The leadership IS responsible for their Soldiers' well being in as much as they can impact it.

Sure asre, they make sure they are paid, housed, fed, and trained for the accomplishment of the mission. The soldiers personal lives are reeviewed as well and if they do something to fuck up their readiness level (write bad checks, fuck their neighbor, shoot a dog) then the Soldier gets his nuts slammed in the UCMJ book because it is THEIR FAULT.

When a bar sees that a patron is drunk, and they continue to serve him alcohol knowing that he plans to drive home, they are responsible for the wrong of continuing to serve him.

This is also fairly retarded and a great example of how badly tort reform is needed in this nation. The bar made this guy a drunk? I think not. No more than Jack Daniels should be held responisble for what people do when they drink it. You drink it, it is your fucking problem.

Your little jabs at my husband are not necessary

I only use "you" and "your" because you are using them as examples. I don'
t know your husband but if these examples are real then they are his responsiblity and no one elses. No one. If they aren't real then I apologize but you used "my husband" in your examples. Only fair that I get to respond in the same person don't you think?

Locamama

on Aug 25, 2005

My point is that many people seem to think the man is off making the money and the little woman is sitting at home doing nothing, speding his hard earned money. Whether the wife is working outside of the house or not, she is definately contributing to the family. But I am working everyday, even if it is in the home. That is my point. I contribute.

I don't know that you have been a military spouse any longer than I have. And what attitude is that exactly. The one where I expect better from my husband than what I get?

Texas Wahine

on Aug 25, 2005

greywar:

Sure it is, but it is in no way an excuse, a mitigating facotr, or a lessening of responsibility for anyone under their command.

No, I agree with that. There's a difference, however, between an excuse and a reason or influence. If a child is molested and then grows up to molest children, their molestation is an influence or a reason, but it is not an excuse. They are still responsible for what they've done. It is necessary to understand influence, however, if we want to keep ourselves from repeating bad behavior.

If I know that I'm going to be violent when I'm drunk, then I stop drinking. It's not an excuse for violence, but it does explain what prompted me to be violent.

I'll finish replying in a few. I've got to go pick my kid up from school.

Locamama

on Aug 25, 2005

I can't get out - I'm not in. I have no stripes on my sleeve. He does have a sucky command. I am sure I'm not half the woman or military wife you are. I can only someday hope to reach your level of enlightenment - where I can be a shining example to all other younger military spouses everywhere. And if they have any problems or concerns, I will very helpfully tell them they are not cut out for it and they should "get out".

Texas Wahine

on Aug 25, 2005

The soldiers personal lives are reeviewed as well and if they do something to fuck up their readiness level (write bad checks, fuck their neighbor, shoot a dog) then the Soldier gets his nuts slammed in the UCMJ book because it is THEIR FAULT.

Which is why the command gives all sorts of briefings and counseling, etc. to try to help guide the Soldier and keep the Soldier from doing anything stupid. If they feel that their guidance can keep a Soldier from doing something stupid, why would their bad influence and instruction not have the opposite effect?

Maybe so, but that's the way it goes.

I don'
t know your husband but if these examples are real then they are his responsiblity and no one elses. No one.

Well, I've gone into more detail than I should have, but not enough to paint a clear picture. My husband was (is, but not too much longer) in a shitty company where the leadership was incompetent and engaged in all the things I described.

What he was around, and his absence from his family, changed him. Things that were deplorable to him previously became acceptable in the presence of others who would cheer him on. Ever heard the saying, "One bad apple can spoil the whole bunch"? He learned a lot about himself and his vulnerabilities during his deployment.

He has never placed the blame on anyone else, and trust me, I've held him accountable and then some.

However, in healing I've learned to understand how he was capable of doing such a hurtful thing when it is so out of character for him. It's not about assigning blame so much as understanding human behavior and how our surroundings influence us.

Which is why it's important for the leadership to provide appropriate examples.

Only fair that I get to respond in the same person don't you think?

I don't think it's necessary to call my husband a "child" or a "retard" for making a mistake that millions of people make. He's one of the most upstanding people I know, and I really object to him being characterized that way. We all do things we regret.

I've put him through hell over this, and even cheated on him with another Soldier. He has stayed with me. Begged me to stay, actually. He has jumped through every hoop I've put in front of him. He is full of anguish and remorse for the choice he made, and he makes it up to me every single day.

He's human. He made a mistake. Ha, I guess since I'm saying all this that means I've forgiven him. I wondered if I ever would. Thanks for that.

Texas Wahine

on Aug 25, 2005

I have outlasted everyone else on this thread! I WIN!

Muahahahhahahahhhaahaha!

dharmagrl

on Aug 25, 2005

don't know that you have been a military spouse any longer than I have. And what attitude is that exactly. The one where I expect better from my husband than what I get?

I've been doing this for 12 years. I've helped him sew on four ranks, I've seen him go from an Airman to an NCO. I've been married through seven deployments, countless TDY's, three schools and one academy. I've been married to a patrol cop, a dispatcher, a corrections officer and an investigator. I've supported him working on call 24-7 and I've celebrated more anniversaries, holidays and birthdays alone with the kids than I have with him home. I've been trained by the military to be a Key Spouse so I could try and help people like yourself get through their issues; and I did that job for 4 years, all of them unpaid.

Your attitude is that you blame the military for your problems. You seem to think that it's a fight between you and the military for your man, and the thing that I don't think you realize is that the military will win because they OWN him. It's not a fight; it IS possible to have a functional marriage AND a successful military career, but it's damn hard work and a hell of a lot of sacrifice.

For your information, I don't work because I'm recovering from surgery. I was almost killed in a car accident when my husband was remote for a year - he never came home and I had to struggle to recover - and I just now had the surgery to fix what i broke. Before the surgery I was working as a notary for the base legal office part time because I was technically disabled. I'm now in a back brace (and will be for another 2 months), have a 7" healing incision, amstill on narcotics for the pain and am not allowed to be upright for more than 2 hours at a time or on my feet for more than an hour without taking a break. So yeah, I sit and I knit, and I think that I've earned the right to do that.

greywar

on Aug 25, 2005

Do all this, and more, much more...while your husband dates and sleeps with another woman and bitches at you constantly for things that are out of your control.

This is the first mention of anyone's husband here. Made by TW in comment#8. Apparently I am an asshole for following her lead.

greywar

on Aug 25, 2005

I don't think it's necessary to call my husband a "child" or a "retard" for making a mistake that millions of people make.

If someone makes a childish mistake or a retarded decision then I will characterize them as such. The only things I have to go on here is what you used as examples. Don't want commentary on your examples? Don't use them then.

Texas Wahine

on Aug 25, 2005

If someone makes a childish mistake or a retarded decision then I will characterize them as such. The only things I have to go on here is what you used as examples. Don't want commentary on your examples? Don't use them then.

Hahahaha...ok, well, I called you an asshole, so I guess we're even.

This is the first mention of anyone's husband here. Made by TW in comment#8. Apparently I am an asshole for following her lead.

Are you trying to say that this article WASN'T a spoof of Locamama's article? Cause I don't think anyone's going to buy that.

greywar

on Aug 25, 2005

Are you trying to say that this article WASN'T a spoof of Locamama's article

Sure it was inspired by her article... Note that I didn't use her name, handle, or even link to her article. You said I was an asshole for referring to your husband when you used him first as an example. Now I am an asshole for writing in general terms about people not blaming the root cause oif their problems? Which is it? Asshole for writing about blaming the right folks and allowing others to be responsible for their own screw-ups or am I an asshole for follwing your lead? Should I have used her handle in the title and linked to it while screeching about her personally? Frankly I think heaping scorn on an idea is a lot more palatable than attacking someone personally. I don't think LM is stupid, I simply think that the *idea* of blaming the Navy was stupid.

Normal, intelligent people can still have stupid ideas and those ideas need to be lanced like boils.

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