Marital Communication

Couples who can't talk to each other

Published on April 12, 2004 By greywar In Home & Family

Although my readers may not agree, I personally find that I am much more eloquent as a writer than as a speaker. This becomes painfully obvious when I speak to someone on the phone. Once I am deprived of the time to think out my statements beforehand I become a taciturn twit (the vocab is in homage to Dan K.). When you couple this with the removal of body language and other non-verbal cues I would normally receive in a face to face conversation I become positively autistic! This of course drives my wife, (who I love dearly and am eternally grateful for), absolutely batshit. She hides it well, but my phone conversations must be like talking to a brick wall for her.

I wonder if this is gender-based? While there are certainly men out there who can gab for hours on the phone and women who are socially awkward in the same situations, these people are the exception and not the rule (wow my first blog stereotype... Mom would be so proud) Women seem to naturally gravitate towards remote communication avenues. Everything from snail mail, cell phones, online chat, to holiday cards are meat for the female communications buffet table. Men on the other hand react to remote communications like a Brahmin to a leper. Our phone conversations with our closest friends could most often be quantified in seconds of duration. We dont even like to email!

Oddly the blogosphere is an exception here. Blogging seems to be dominated by men. I have found in the very short amount of time I have spent setting this blog up that I feel none of the almost instinctual aversion to communications I have struggled with in other mediums. Maybe I have found my mantra after all?

Blog...ohm...Blog...ohm...Blog...ohm...

Greywar

P.S. I guess I have to let my wife and family know about the blog. I think they might be miffed that I prefer this method of staying "in touch". Nonetheless I love them. (P.S. stands fo pretty sappy in this case i suppose... uggh)

Comments (Page 1)

dharmagrl

on Apr 12, 2004

Because of our current living circumstance, my husband and I are reduced to the phone or Instant Messaging as means of communication (he's in the military, stationed in the Arctic for a year whilst the kids and I have to stay in the States).

We do reasonably well on the phone, but IM-ing just doesn't work for us. Much like you, I have difficulty understanding where he's coming from at times because I can't hear the tone and inflection in his voice. Hence, we don't IM much anymore.

Professionally, I really don't like talking to people over the phone. I've been taught to always interview someone face to face, only using a telephone interview as an absolute last resort. People give away more information than they realize with their facial expressions and body language..I know it made me stop and look at all the little things I do that might give what I'm REALLY thinking and feeling away.

Blogging is cathartic, isn't it!? Dave (my husband) reads my blog...it helps him get a better understanding of what I'm thinking and feeling - stuff we just can't tell each other down a telephone line.

new-age nomad

on Apr 12, 2004

I'm a female, and I hate hate hate telephones. That's a triple negative. Hehe

It's definately not gender based. Just ask Dan K

....I'm autistic on the phone too.

As for blogging being dominated by males, I'm not sure your'e right, but I hope so. ONly a few of the females here interest me as much at the males, and it has nothing to do with attraction. The chicks are either too mushy or too....ummm.....feminist. *cough*Urban*cough*

"absolutely batshit"

That made me laugh out loud. I think I'll still that phrase.

Trinitie

new-age nomad

on Apr 12, 2004

ahem....steal, not still....

wouldn't let me correct it.

Trinitie

greywar

on Apr 12, 2004

dharma - Our separate living situation is also a military thing. Thankfully it is not an *overseas* military thing such as yours. Stationed in the Arctic? damn! and I thought Korea sucked (not really I love the Han-pan-do) IM'ing has not been very good for us either, also primarily due to my inability to use it fluently. It is really nice to hear the opposite genders point of view....

new-age the opposite point of view is also why I tend to read women's blogs a bit more than men's. They are just fewer in number as a percentage I think. Those women who do write tend to be quite prolific however.

dharmagrl

on Apr 12, 2004

Oh cool, another military person! Yep, Dave (my husband) is at Thule AB, Greenland for a year on a remote assignment. He's an AF cop. Where are you at? (if you can tell, that is).

Funnily enough we just got done IM-ing...it went quite well, for a change.

JillUser

on Apr 12, 2004

Happily, I have not been away from my hubby for more than a week at a time since we have been married. I do, however hate talking on the phone for the most part. I can talk with my hubby, sister or Mom but I have trouble with others. One of my favorite cousins-in-law is a good example. We get along fabulously in person but just don't click on the phone. She is very soft spoken and we tend to talk over each other because I think our timing of thought is too alike.

My dad has always been like a brick wall on the phone. Getting a sentence out of him was like pulling teeth. He was all, "yep" and "uh huh" with a lot of dead air in between. He is a little easier to talk to on the phone since he has been retired. He is quiet and laid back in person. Very easy to have a conversation with. He has an expressive face and a dry sense of humor. I haven't met anyone who dislikes my dad but one could easily think he disliked them on the phone.

greywar

on Apr 12, 2004

I am here at Ft. Hood and havebeen for around 4 years now, did a lot of time in Korea before that. My wife is out East and not enjoying it out there:)

dharmagrl

on Apr 12, 2004

I have friends at Ft Hood! He's an AF CATM instructor who got put out there for some strange reason.....

Dave volunteered to go remote to Greenland for 2 reasons: #1 he's a lifer and we knew he'd have to go remote at some point...neither of us really wanted him to go to Korea, so we rolled the dice and came up with orders to Thule. #2 We've been at our current duty station (Ellsworth AFB, SD) for 9, yep, 9 years and we've been passed over for orders twice. We knew if Dave took a remote assignment we'd get follow-on orders...and we did, to England, back to the same base we came here from. I'm happy about it, I'm British and my family lives a little over an hour away from where we're going to be stationed at. So, this August we're leaving!!! Yay!!!!

greywar

on Apr 12, 2004

Wow, aside from your hubby's current station, I am once again reminded of how different the Air Force is from the Army:) No I am not engaging in that inter-force rivalry thing or whatever, but the AF definately has another set of priorities when it comes to assignments:)

jamie

on Apr 13, 2004

I love you, baby, and am eternally grateful for you as well.

dharmagrl

on Apr 13, 2004

How? I'm not being snotty, I'm genuinely interested.

I think that his career field had a lot to do with it...he's the military equivalent of a detective and they're few and far between up here.

greywar

on Apr 13, 2004

Dharmagrl - I think the differences on AF and Army personnel management will be addressed in a article i just decided to write. It shoudl be up in the next day or so. There is just too much explaining to do in a comment.

dharmagrl

on Apr 13, 2004

Cool, I'll look forward to it!

greywar

on Apr 13, 2004

A friend of mine (*cough* pseudosoldier *cough*ahem*)gave me a bit of good natured grief about this article having "turned into an estrogen fest". Perhaps he simply didn't have the minerals to post a comment himself?

dharmagrl

on Apr 13, 2004

I think that might be true...he's probably just ascared of the smart, witty, strong, gorgeous women on here. Tell him we don't bite (unless he wants us to, that is)..so come on a post a comment...!

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