What happens when you are done with your honorable service in the military? Will you receive an honorable discharge? Certainly. Will you be eligible for veterans benefits? Of course you will be. Will you receive severance pay or a retirement parachute? Nope. Unless you are fat or out of shape that is. Sound stupid? You bet your ass it does.

          This might come as a shock to those who never have served or who only served one term but the military pays fat or out of shape soldiers a bonus when they are forcibly discharged. Now the bonus only applies to “mid-career” soldiers (those with more than 6 years in service) but when those soldiers exceed the weight and body fat percentage standards (like me) or can not pass 2 successive fitness tests (been there a couple times too) they are given a lump sum payment in addition to all the benefits I mentioned in the above paragraph regarding soldiers who simply separate normally after fulfilling all military requirements.

          That’s right you get all the benefits plus cash! Kind of seems like a slap in the face to the soldier who has kept his/her ass in shape for 10 years and has decided not to re-enlist doesn’t it?

In shape : ßnot me

          The separation bonus is calculated like this (latest reg I have access to but feel free to post an update if it is incorrect) : base_pay x years_served / 2 = bonus_cash (years_served maximum value = 12). Basically it means that the soldier gets between half a year to a full year’s salary on discharge. For an E-5 with 12 or more years served it works out to roughly : (2450 x 12)/2 = $14,700 (before taxes of course). Not  bad chunk of change compared to what one of his peers who served 12 years honorably and decides to get out would receive which is roughly : 0x0 = $0.

          How did it get this way you ask? Well it wasn’t always this way but at some point someone managed to convince the military that it wasn’t the soldier’s fault that they were fat or out of shape but rather that they should treat it as a sort of medical issue. Now mind you the military already had a system for soldiers who had legitimate medical problems that precluded further treatment. That formula is exactly double the one used for fat guys and lazy-asses.

 ß also not me but closer!

Let me clue you in folks… Want to know whose fault it is that I am fat and flabby? MINE! ALL MINE! I am a sessile sort of guy and I like it like that. I would rather play video games and blog than lift weights and I would also eat buffalo wings washed down with Thorian quantities of beer than eat tofu and soy milk.

Not that I would appreciate the cash mind you it is simply that I wouldn’t deserve it. Thanks for tryig to shoulder my responsibilities liberals but shouldn’t I lie in the bed I made (and drank bacon-fat Slurpees in) here?