(note : This series will probably not be very funny and is fairly personal so don’t read it if you don’t want to know. Also it is a multi-parter and I don’t know how many parts it will be.)
While I had intended my next article to address an earlier allusion I made to
dating a lesbian (my mom asked me about it offline after the article), I feel I have to explain a bit of background first. This is simply the way my brain works and I think that the originally intended article will be the better for it.
As a kid (this will be brief I swear to you) I had a fairly embarrassing incident that had a serious effect on the way my mind functions. You see my imagination has always been remarkably vivid to the point where an Army shrink informally diagnosed me as mildly schizophrenic. I always had imaginary friends as a kid and while this is not unusual I actually saw mine. I leaned as I got older that this was regarded as an immature thing to have and so I stopped talking about them but they never left. To this day all I have to do is think about my first grade born friend
Kavik the Wolf-dog and there he is sitting in the corner with his tongue lolling out.
Now I never heard voices telling me to do things or anything of
this nature, it was just that my mental constructions were (and are) strikingly real. This extended it’s influence into many areas of my childhood to include freakish night terrors, fear of the dark, and an ability to lie like there was no tomorrow (you see once I had thought of something it became real to me so therefore in my juvenile mind not a lie).
All this came to a head when I hit puberty. Couple an imagination of that realism with a body awash in unfamiliar hormones and the picture is not pretty. About this time I became a bit obsessive as focusing on one thing (video games, guns, books) totally allowed me a brief respite from a non-stop parade of sexually charged mental constructs. Before I could mature enough to get a good handle on all of this I was caught making obscene phone calls. This was so embarrassing that my core personality simply couldn’t handle the shame.
I coped by allowing my core personality to splinter off into facets that I viewed as sort of remote-control Greywars. Since the embarrassing stuff was happening to the facets it was not really happening to me. This worked so well that even when my mom took me to a shrink back then I found him childishly simple to manipulate. All I had to do was create a new splinter that said the things he so obviously wanted to hear. (This was the point at which I lost my faith in the efficacy of mental health professionals)
The upshot o all this personal crap about my childhood is to set he stage for my adulthood. I never stopped using my splinters after this (in point of fact one of them is the writer of this blog) and it actually served as a boon for the most part. To this day I am able to construct new splinters on demand for virtually any task. Hence I seem to be interested in almost everything. This has served me well in the military as I never have a problem with sleeping from boredom even during the most monotonous of classes or duties.
How does any of this relate to
dating lesbians? Honest I will get there.
It was during my second set of tours in Korea. My wife (at the time) and daughter had left Korea several months prior and I had just received the phone call from her that for all intents and purposes ended our marriage. This once again landed a shattering blow to my sanity only this time instead of further fragmenting me the blow penetrated straight to my core personality. I couldn’t deal with the pain so instead of dealing with it in any normal way I basically poured every form of alcohol available in Korea all over my core Greywar and lit him on fire.
My core was very strong and fought all the way. It took nearly a year of serious alcoholism to do the job right. I was burned out to just being the husk of a man. My work splinter basically ran the show whenever I needed to deal with people but there was nothing going on behind his splinter. I was just an automaton created to crew aircraft and drink like I wanted to die. All the while my core burned and crackled struggling to cling to life. In the end He found a last-ditch method to extinguish the flames. He crawled into that well where I always kept the negative emotions that I was unable to resolve. I had always just bound them up tight and tossed them in. This well was no real bastion of relief for Him but even though it’s waters were poisoned by wormwood they were able to extinguish the fire I had set. He was no longer my core and He was trapped at the bottom of this mind well with nothing but my worst emotions as food and drink. We will come back to Him later.
Enough of this for tonight I think.