Army Hires Raving Loon to Give Safety Lectures

I shit you not....

Published on June 24, 2004 By greywar In Current Events

The Army and GEN Schoomaker in all their infinite wisdom are very concerned with their soldiers off-duty safety. In keeping with this worthy philosophy they have commisioned a 47 minute DVD for mandatory viewing by all active duty Army personnel. Sounds normal enough....

This DVD is so bizarre that the 12 or so soldiers I watched it with were all completely taken aback. Apparently the Army hired a Mississipi State Trooper to deliver his message of safety. This man is clearly insane. For 25 minutes all we saw was this guy on stage ranting and rambling while striking outlandish poses on or near a chair. An example:

"You have never received a whuppin until you have been whupped by a Mississipi State Trooper!" (delivered while sitting on the chair and gesticulating wildy)

"I often dream of holding my son under water and watching the bubbles come up" (while pantomiming the aforementioned act)

"And I looked him sqaurely in the belt buckle.." (writhes oddly on the chair while giving his ass a light slap)

The above examples are real folks! All this is delivered in a speech style not unlike that employed by preachers in the Charismatic branches of Christianity. In point of fact at one time he actually asks the crowd for an "Amen"! All the while he is doing his best to find evey pose he could possibly hit involving the chair and stage floor. It was oddly reminscent of the William Shatner parody done by the Family Guy.

The video closes with two tales of accidents caused by drunk drivers which I suppose must have been the thrust of the DVD but you would never know while you were watching it. I find it difficult to beleive that the Army's Chief of Staff and the Sergeant Major of the Army both watched this outre display and though, "Yeah! Everyone would get a lot fo great safety info from this yokel!" The only thing I and my fellow soldiers took away from this was to avoid driving through the state of Mississipi at all costs!

Folks I am no idiot. I know safety is important but to waste soldiers days like this in a time of war smacks of rank stupidity and smells of Perfumed Princedom.

I wish I could provide a link to the video itself but *someone* must have realized how retarded it was and stamped "For Army Use Only" on it which consistutes a written order which I won't violate even for humor's sake.

Comments

Estrogen Lass

on Jun 24, 2004

Yes, this guy was a complete moron. Although I am a leader that is highly concerned with the safety of her soldiers, I am about to the point with this video where I want to tell my soldiers just to sign off on the damn roster that they did infact see it. I have seen that video about 5 times now from soldiers walking into the office and watching it. I will become a safety concern if I have to hear him rant and rave with no direction or point behind whatever this speech is supposed to be about. The video says "Be Safe", but what I got out of it is completely different. I saw "Never come to Mississippi and For God's Sake, Please Dont Let This Man Around Children".

on Jun 25, 2004

There's always crazies ever where, but somehow some administration got a moron virus and somehow let that DVD go out into public.

Good article, and it was funny.

Stien6

on Jun 25, 2004

Now I'm curious.....I *almost* wish I was still AD so I could see just how bad this really is. I suppose my imagination can't make it any worse than reality. Of course, the best part of your blogs is the fact that your version of events is more entertaining and much less painful than having to experience it myself!

chiprj

on Jun 25, 2004

The problem with the video is that while the message is good, it's difficult to get past the guys gestures, movements, rambling, and accent to actually get the message. The message is to not drink and drive. Period. That's it. But you have to sit through this guy go on and on with his nonsense. The average person, let alone the averae soldier, has issues with paying attention to something that's mildly entertaining until the next commercial break. This guy was not entertaining and there was no break. So, the message is lost on the majority of people.
It was a change from the Army's older safety movies... We had to watch one on office safety from the 70's and it was just plain embarrassing to watch in the company of our civilian staff.
The next time the Army makes a movie and wants to have a stand up act deliver the message, they should try to find some real comedian/actor that needs to perform some public service work and hire them for cheap.

greywar

on Jun 25, 2004

The thing with all of these training programs is that it is just as effective to walk up to someone and say "Hey, don't drink and drive." The folks who will drive drunk will continue to drive drunk and the ones who wouldn't anyways won't. The training is a complete farce.

pseudosoldier

on Jun 26, 2004

I, for one, can't wait to see this film. Sounds like it would be a great centerpiece for a theme movie night (right up there with my "Bad Werewolf Film" night, eh, grey?). Hopefully, I can avoid signing the register the first time, so they'll make me watch it again. During mission. While sleep deprived and hopped up on Bacchus X.

Woo.

Talisein

on Jun 28, 2004

I think you guys are being to hard on the guy. I saw the video, and what I saw was his /Passion/! His powerful testimony has convinced me to live my life in service of others through the Army!

F---! I am on such a sugar high!

Woo!

pseudosoldier

on Jun 28, 2004

If Tal thinks it's worthwhile...
Well, I still want to see it.

Estrogen Lass

on Jun 29, 2004

No, you dont. Trust me.

greywar

on Jun 29, 2004

Tal has issues....

pseudosoldier

on Jun 29, 2004

Just think, that's some of the more recent vivid imagery of the United States Army that he's taking over there with him. Foremost in his mind will not be Basic Training, or whatever train-up they gave him right before leaving, or any of the applicable safety briefs he will get on the way over... but instead, a Mississippi State Trooper gyrating on a chair, smacking his ass.
That image will burn in his mind and be his sole reminder of home.
Good times.

Welcome Guest! Please take the time to register with us.
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:

Richer content, access to many features that are disabled for guests like commenting on the forums.
Access to a great community, with a massive database of many, many areas of interest.
Access to contests & subscription offers like exclusive emails.
It's simple, and FREE!