Greywar – Agent of the Vast Doughnut Conspiracy Part 2

Part one found here.

     The next morning after we recruits were subjected to a very long battery of medical testing we were finally allowed to see a career counselor who offered us a list of MOSs (Military Occupational Specialties) that were “the only ones available right now”. As I recall I was offered the opportunity to become an 88M (Truck driver), 92F (Fueler), and 54B (Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical Specialist). Well NBC specialist sounded a hell of a lot more prestigious than the other two jobs (I had no idea what it was at the time... frankly I recall thinking that I would be developing chemical weapons) but I really wanted to be a linguist (on th advice of the only sane high school teacher I listened to) so despite the counselors best attempt to discourage any questions I asked about DLI and the language program.

     The counselor hadn't actually looked at any of our files or test scores so initially he simply stonewalled us (myself and the other high scoring female from back home) and assured us that we didn't qualify and we would be better off as truck drivers. Persistent questioning of this assessment of our unqualified status finally led the counselor's supervisor (a kindly old Hispanic sergeant whose name I forget) to actually open our folders and look at our test results. The attitude change was nothing short of astonishing. One minute we were lumped in with the 20 or so recruits (supervised by a surly NCO) who were fit only for menial jobs in the Army and the very next we were separated into our own special area for immediate language aptitude testing and no less an august personage than a Major was directing our processing! Surely we were the elite.

     We were ushered into a small room to take the Defense Language Aptitude Battery (DLAB) which was approximately 3 hours of progressivly more difficult tests designed to gauge our ability to learn a new language quickly. The test itself seemed largely based on Esperanto and was a lot of fun (for geeks anyway) and for weeks afterwards we would speak using the pseudo vocabulary and grammar we learned during the test as a sort of private language. Needless to say we both scored very well but I was a bit humbled by the fact that I scored lower than my female counterpart.

     Our DLAB results produced and even more pronounced attitude change amongst the recruiters and counselors (since most people who take it fail or score a lot lower than we did) and furthered our distorted self image. The only hurdle left was the dreaded Background Investigation. The MEPS folks did their damnedest to intimidate us with this prospect. They referred to the S2 (thats security and intelligence) Major who handled this aspect of our processing as Darth Vader and told us that while the rest of the recruits would be finished that very day we would have to wait in Minneapolis for at least another day. Of course this was great since we were having a good time being on our own and pretending we were adults.

     We were told that the Background Investigation was necessary because linguists were required to hold a TOP SECRET clearance and not just any old TOP SECRET either but rather a TOP SECRET/SCI (Sensitive Compartmentalized Information) clearance which we were assured was “higher than the President's clearance” (this is of course false in a way and true in others but be that as it may). This excited our young imaginations and made us even more eager to get the job.

     We were “interrogated” by Major Darth Vader after filling out a security questionnaire that seemed to ask the same questions over and over again in varying manners. Since neither of us had ever used drugs (not even pot) it wasn't too tense for us (since they didn't give a whit about underage drinking (of which I was extensively guilty) I was scot-free on this whole affair) but our very geeky innocence actually made us seem “too clean” and the investigator actually pressed harder for a lot longer than he likely would have if we had simply copped to “experimental and non-habitual use”. I distinctly remember the Major really hammering me that it wasn't possible for a teenager to have used alcohol but not weed.

     This lengthened interrogation period actually ended up extending our Minneapolis stay for a third day as the MEPS had made the request for a legal records check too late in the second day for it to come through. Once it came through (clean) we were both sworn into the Delayed Entry Program as recruits scheduled to leave for Basic Traning in July.

I was pretty stoked.

Part 3 still to come