Morons will save the planet!
Published on April 23, 2007 By greywar In Politics

 

 

From Sheryl Crow's Biodiesel Bus Blog (via Wapo)

 


Crow (4/19, Springfield, Tenn.): I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of forest conservation which we heavily rely on for oxygen. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

Crow (4/19): I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve." The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.

 


     If only Hollywood Liberals could rule us all with an iron fist in all aspects of our lives the planet would surely be saved by tomorrow! Perhaps we should also let Sheryl tell us what to eat for each meal so we can minimize our poop output?

 

Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. We are CrowTards!

 

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Comments (Page 2)
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on Apr 23, 2007
I'm glad someone out there is telling us the proper way to wipe our own ass.  

~Zoo
on Apr 23, 2007
So it took here a whole bus trip to figure this out? Her CPU must be in the range of an 8088 wich we all know couldn't possibly process anything near the information available on the web, even if her fancy bus was equiped with internet access.

Let's get serious about global warmaing and see if we can help Ms. Crow come up with some better ideas.

Here's the idea that I came up with in a little over a few minutes using the interent.

See According to Scientists in Paris: (source: Environmental News service: WWW/link]

"Levels of the potent greenhouse gas methane are on the rise and could accelerate global warming...Although methane is nowhere near as prevalent or long-lasting as carbon dioxide, it is a far more powerful greenhouse gas with 20 times the heat-trapping effect."

According to "Facts On Farts" by Brenna Lorenz [link="http://www.heptune.com/farts.html"]WWW
:

"The composition of fart gas is highly variable...chemical reactions between stomach acit and intestianl fluids may produce carbon dioxide, which is also a componete of air and a product of bacterial action. Bacteria also produce hydrogen and methane....But the relative proports of these gases that emergy from our anal opening depend on several factors: what we ate, how much air we swalled, what kinds of bacteria we have in our intestines...a nervous person who swallows a lot of air and who moves stuff through their digestive system rapidly may have a lot of oxygen in his farts, because the body didn't have time to absorb the oxygen....most people (2/3 of adults) pass farts that contain no methane. If both parents are methane producers, their children have a 95% chance of being produces as well...However [speaking of genetics] all methane in any farts come from bacterial action and not from human cells."

See where I'm going with this?

Here's the solution that I'd like to propose to Ms. Crow:

1. Identify the 1/3 of the world population that produce methane.
2. Identify the bacteria in their systems that make them produce methane.
3. Develop antibiotics that target these bacteria
4. Simultaneously develop a diet plan that would reduce the methane produced.
5. Require the 1/3 to follow the diet plan and measure methane output. If the reduction is not adequate, or the person refuses to follow the diet move on to the next step
4. Require those for whom the diet is ineffective, or undersirable to use the antibiotics
5. If either of the above plans do not adequately reduce the production of methane gas that these humans are contributing to the global warming 'crisis,' then they along with their offspring must be put to death.

Another element of this program would require that offspring of methane producers be tested at birth. Better yet before birth through the use of genetic screenings and selective abortions. Those children that slip through the screening process and are born would be required to follow the above plan.

I'll admit that this plan is a bit more complicted than Ms. Crow's suggestion, but I bet it would have a much greater impact on global warming. Do I have any supporters?

on Apr 23, 2007
Ms Crow can lick my buttcrack clean and I'll donate the saved toilet paper to some poor schmuck in India.


HaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaaaaa!    
on Apr 23, 2007
Sorry for the poor editing on my previous idea. I can't get back in to edit it so it'll have to stand as it is....  
on Apr 23, 2007
Once upon a time there were these two guys, one a "T-sip" from the University of Texas and the other an "Aggie" from Texas A&M, out playing golf. Suddenly the Aggie felt the urge to take a dump and he told the T-sip he didn't know what to do as he had nothing to wipe with. The T-sip then told the Aggie "Well if you have a dollar, then use that." So the Aggie thinking that was a good idea went behind a tree.

In a few minutes the Aggie returned but the T-sip noticed his hands were covered in shit! "What happened?" the T-sip asked. "I thought you were gonna use a dollar!?"
"I DID use a dollar!" the Aggie replied. "Have you ever tried wiping your ass with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickle!!!???"
on Apr 23, 2007
This is a sick joke! Maybe she was drunk! I really hope for her sake she was!
on Apr 24, 2007
you tear a small hole in the center of the paper, you stick your finger in the hole, use your finger to wipe the poop outta butt, then wrap the piece of paper around your finger and wipe the finger clean. could that be where ms. Crow got her Idea from?


You forgot the important part...save the little piece you tear out of the middle to clean out from under your fingernail.

Ms Crow can lick my buttcrack clean and I'll donate the saved toilet paper to some poor schmuck in India


We could get an arena and sell tickets and.....

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