Avoid Everything!
Published on March 27, 2007 By greywar In Current Events
  • When you turn 18 in these United States we recognize you as an adult with all the rights, privileges, and responsibilities attendant thereon.

 

  • We expect that you learned to read over the course of a 12 year publicly funded education.

 

  • We expect that you will be responsible for things like balancing your checkbook, trying to find employment, and not committing crimes against the rest of us.

 

  • We expect that as an adult with the right to enter legally binding contracts you will at least read the things you sign and abide by those legal agreements that you have signed.

 

  • Recognizing that it is possible for moneylenders to charge usurious rates for loans we have passed laws banning them from doing so.

 

  • Anything else you agree to in order to get into a home that you can’t actually afford is your responsibility.

 

  • If you have a disability that prevents you from reading a contract there are people who will read contracts for you called lawyers. Use these services before entering into contracts exceeding the net of your next year’s income.

 

  • If you are too poor to afford the $200 dollars that a lawyer will charge perhaps you might reconsider your ability to pay off a loan for tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars.

 

  • The alternative to this code is to become a Ward of the State. Only by living in a Nerf covered room under the watchful eye of a Government appointed Nanny will you be assured that your own stupidity will not be able to hurt you.

 

  • You will be fed only organically grown applesauce and Fair Trade teas while the Nanny will ensure that you will not be intimidated by anyone or allowed to move very much as motion could possibly cause injury to your delicate and incompetent personage.

 

  • No offensive word or indeed any word at all will ever be permitted to impinge upon your surreality. You will live in a nirvana of absolute isolation and comforting protection from everything and everyone.

 

  • No one will ever hold you accountable for anything including your inability to manage your body functions in a hygienic manner. Nanny will wipe your vulnerable bottom for you.

 

  • Prospective Nerf Wards can email their resume to sgt.greywar@gmail.com or simply scrawl something unintelligible in crayon on a piece of paper and give it to a literate friend who will scan and email it to me for forwarding to an appropriate Nanny.

 

 

Inspired by some of the commentary on this thread.

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